BLISS: I come home, after seeing one of my favorite bands (that I once saw in a shack with 20 other people when I was 14… now they are selling out arenas), to my sweet, loving wife, my kitty, and one of the most delicious smells I’ve ever inhaled.
Yes, I’d say this is a great way to start off the second quarter of my life, thank you. Life is good.
How To Forgive
Today, you’re going to learn how to forgive.
“We have to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.”
- Pudge
(John Green, Looking for Alaska)
We create an insane amount of suffering in our
lives by holding onto grudges and resentment.
What’s interesting, is that 100% of the time,
our lack of forgiveness only makes things much
worse. Not only does it build up like a poison
inside of us and disconnects us from others,
but it also pretty much ensures that we will
get hurt again.
We carry a weight that we just can’t seem to
let go of, and it just gets heavier every day
because time heals nothing.
The good news is, you can let it all go. All you
need to do is forgive.
So let’s get right to it.
First of all, what is forgiveness?
Well, to put it simply, it just means to give
as before. To love as before. To care as before.
To give in a relationship the way you gave before
the perceived transgression took place.
It does NOT mean forget. It does not mean that
you’ll trust someone again. There are people in
your life that you shouldn’t trust for a reason.
If someone stole your money in the past, don’t go
handing them your checkbook.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive them.
Secondly, why do we not forgive?
Now, this may seem obvious, but it’s actually really
helpful to identify why we we choose not to forgive,
and why we are so freaking stubborn.
So although it’s completely irrational, the real reason we
do NOT forgive is that we are seeking to punish ourselves
or other people.
That’s it. We are just trying to punish. And there is
NOTHING productive about this. No good comes from our
resentment.
For some reason we feel like by holding on to it, it
somehow teaches a lesson. This is utterly delusional.
We have this crazy idea that if we were to forgive them
and let it go, we would be sending them the message that
what they did was okay.
We hold on and on because we are afraid they won’t be
punished or learn their lesson if we let go.
Even if the other person has moved on, it’s like your
sinking hooks into them and saying, “Nu-uh! We are going
to stay stuck forever.”
And what’s funny is a lot of times, there are people you
are holding grudges against who have no idea that they hurt
you in any way, so your attempts to punish them are going
utterly unnoticed, while they move on and live their life!
“HOW DARE THEY?!”
Now we may be tempted to feel like it’s useful to hold
a grudge with the intention of protecting ourselves from
further pain and harm.
But we must understand that trust is a completely different
animal, and we can make far more accurate judgement calls
when we are no longer blinded by our resentment.
Okay, so we’ve talked a lot about why we don’t forgive.
So how do we actually forgive and quit playing this game
that just keeps up stuck?
———————————————————————————
STEP NUMBER 1 - LET YOURSELF BE THE PROACTIVE VICTIM
———————————————————————————
So, depending on how long you’ve been withholding your
forgiveness, you’ve already been playing the role of a
victim for quite a while.
And there are benefits to being a victim. You get to be
right about how you or someone else is wrong. You get to
receive pity. You get attention.
But if you let go and stop being a victim, the benefits
are far more rewarding. There’s a huge difference between
being a wimpy victim and a proactive victim.
And in order to let go, you need to give yourself one
more opportunity to be the ultimate victim.
Here’s how it works:
I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of “muscle memory.”
Although muscle memory doesn’t technically exist and it is
an overly simplistic way of describing it, you get the concept:
We record experiences in our lives on a mental and cellular
level based on repetition, so we are able to easily recall
movements and make decisions based on past events.
This next part may sound weird, but just roll with me.
In addition to “muscle memory”, we have “emotional memory.”
All of the pain that you have experienced has been recorded as
well. The energy of that pain is stuck inside of you, until you
let it go. We’re able to recall the emotion of stuff that happened
to us, all the way back when we were just babies.
So in order to forgive, you must first let go of all of that
pain and resentment that you’ve let fester around inside of
you for however long.
There are about 257 billion ways to do this, but here’s a couple
of ideas that will get you moving in a productive direction:
Option Number 1: Talk to the person and express your feelings.
If you go this route, here are a few key things to consider:
- You CANNOT have an agenda. You cannot use this as yet another
opportunity to punish someone. You cannot be looking for them to
apologize or make amends. This is simply an opportunity for you
to express your feelings, and you can let them know up front that
they have no reason to take any of what you might say personally.
Just ask them to listen. Let them know you don’t necessarily want
a response from them, and you certainly don’t want their sympathy
or comfort. You just want them to know how you feel.
- Let them know you’ve been foolish and just have some things you’d
like to say. You don’t have to forgive them here, you just have to
express your feelings.
Option Number 2: Write a letter to the person and express your feelings.
In many cases, the person you need to forgive more than anyone else
is yourself. This is where a letter or a mirror might come in handy.
A letter may be a lot easier for you, or a lot more possible (as
tragically, sometimes it is the deceased that we need to forgive).
Let yourself be vulnerable and express everything there is to say.
Write about how frustrated and hurt you are. Write about all of the
ways that that person has wronged you. Write about how much they suck.
Hold nothing back. No one is judging you.
Option Number 3: Release the energy through catharsis.
This might seem really weird, but it’s extremely effective,
and it doesn’t necessarily involve anyone else.
This is when you let all of the pain and energy surface and you
physically release it. You can hit a pillow, use a bat to whack
something with, pound on a chair with open palms, or just scream
and shout.
If you let the emotion surface and allow yourself to release it,
it makes room for you to naturally heal and forgive.
Here’s one of the problems with all of these options:
Sometimes we’ve repressed our feelings for so long we have a
hard time feeling them.
A great way to get them to surface is to replay the memory
of past events. This might be hard, but I promise it’s worth
it. You are letting yourself feel the pain for the purposes
of healing, not for punishment or torture.
Use music to support you (perhaps there is music that brings
you back to that time).
Maybe there are locations that you could physically bring
yourself to that brings up the emotion.
Whatever you need to do, bring the emotion up, and release it.
Once you have released the energy and allowed yourself to be a
proactive victim, you’re ready for the next step.
If you have any reservations about how weird this all seems,
you may want to ask yourself if you value being appropriate
more than you value your own freedom.
You have a lifetime to be appropriate. Give yourself this one
opportunity to be crazy.
——————————————-
STEP 2 - PROACTIVELY FORGIVE
——————————————-
Often times after doing the first step, you already feel there
is no longer anything to forgive. Even so, this next step is
really important, as it truly solidifies the forgiving.
Remember, you are forgiving for YOU, and no one else (although
others will most likely greatly benefit from it as well).
You are reclaiming YOUR power.
Here’s a couple of ways you can proactively forgive:
1. Write a letter expressing your forgiveness.
Here’s how to start your letter (or letters):
“Dear so-and-so, I hereby reclaim my power. And I forgive you for:”
Then write about what you forgive them for. Make the list. Talk about
all of it.
And then, “I ask you that you forgive me for:”
Then write about what you ask forgiveness for. Because often times,
it comes full circle and it turns out we have a lot we are sorry about
too.
Write as many letters as you need. It can be to total strangers that
hurt you, yourself, or people who are near and dear to you. Let it all
be said. Let it all be written.
It’s up to you whether or not you actually deliver the letter to the
person. I highly recommend you do (as long as you’re safe), but
this exercise will do you good, either way.
You choose what to do with the letters in the end.
2. Speak to the person and forgive them.
This is very similar to the letter itself. It can be in person,
or on the phone. But actually speak with the person and forgive
them, using the same structure outlined above.
“I hereby reclaim my power and I forgive you for, and I ask you
to forgive me for.”
Let’s move onto the final step.
—————————————————
STEP 3 - DOCUMENT YOUR LEARNING
—————————————————
What have you learned from your experience?
What have you learned about you as a result of your grudges?
What have you learned about others?
What have you learned about forgiveness?
How does it feel?
Write about it. Additionally, you can share about it with
a trusted friend or family member.
This is just a great way to immortalize your experience of
liberation and to have evidence of the value of forgiveness,
lest you decide to resent again. This is something you can
always refer back to.
Plus, it creates great closure for the entire experience, and
ends the vicious cycle that you’ve put yourself through.
Something about stopping to put your thoughts in writing
instead of letting them forever spin around in your head
can be really freeing.
And that’s it! Let me know in the comments below what
you have learned, and if you’d like to be awesome beyond
words, go out and forgive and come back to share your
results. I’m excited to hear from you.
—————————————————————————
That’s all I’ve got for you today, I hope you found
this beneficial. I wish you all the best in your quest
of forgiveness. It’s definitely one of the best decisions
you’ll ever make.
I’ve been used, abused, lied to, cheated on, and abandoned
many times throughout my life, and forgiveness has made all
of the difference.
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Thank you for watching, and I hope to see you soon!
Joshua Voiles
Even if I kid myself and pretend I don’t believe in something as if it’s the right thing - I know we all have our own version of what is right.
What’s right to you?
We make a lot of assumptions based on very limited information.
It’s interesting that our version of reality rarely matches what is really going on around us, and inside of us.
There is so much freedom in knowing that I don’t know, and letting go of my assumptions. The bliss of not telling stories comes with the price of not being able to make up a new reality and see potential and possibilities. It robs me of the nostalgia that is imagining the future.
But in its wake, a deep sense of presence and gratitude is instilled in me as I embrace reality as it is, without a story, and without assumptions.
It feels empty in life not building things.
Even though it could be that everything built will fall apart, it’s worth it to me to experience the build, whether or not I’m around for the Great Undoing.
The labyrinth blows, but I choose it.
Check out me and a couple of fellow nerdfighters rock out the drums to Hank Green’s “Accio Deathly Hallows” song. This was a ton of fun!
DFTBA!
| — | John Green (x) |
